Conflict-Part One

Well, here is the much awaited non-frivolous post you have all been waiting for.

My struggles with conflict began simply. I needed more conflict in my novel. There was the larger external conflict that was the basis of the story, but there was almost no internal conflict or conflict between characters. So after some conversations with Val, I decided to first look at how I approach conflict in my own life. The answer, while not terribly surprising, was a little scary. I don't conflict. Conflict sends me into a dizzying spiral of doubt and confusion. It makes my stomach hurt. It makes me want to lay in bed in the fetal position in the dark. It makes cry. So I realized there was a much bigger issue involved than adding conflict to my novel. I was really confronted by my conflict inadequacies when we all piled into the car one day and the girl was in major conflict mode. I looked at splitcat and said, aren't you glad I'm not a drama queen? He looked right back at me and said something to the effect of that he wished I was sometimes because at least then he would know why I was mad and who I was mad at.
That was my second wake-up call. I had apparently taken passivity and conflict avoidance to a new level when my husband wants me to be a drama queen.

My third wake-up call came one day one I was reading a forum. A debate had sprung up, and I had skipped ahead and came across a response that totally shook me. The topic between the writer and one other participant was that silence does not equate unity. I don't have her permission to write out the whole thing, but I will hit the highlights that stuck with me.

1. "Silent treatment" is a form of manipulation
2. Running from conflict is in essence a form of the silent treatment
3. Silence does not promote unity within a family(she describes unity as coming together, being made one) but by discussing or hashing out a problem we know we are seeing only part of the picture(our thoughts and opinions) and know that our thoughts may need adjusting or may even be wrong. And meeting together and putting our thoughts and opinions "out there" helps us make that decision and will ultimately bring us closer as we begin to understand one another even if we do not agree. Even when we agree to disagree "the agreement being walked in is one of coming together with the understanding we are learning and growing, subject to change."

Part of what has contributed to my avoidance of conflict is that I tend to think that conflict arises out of anger.
I long ago took to heart the scripture that says not to let the sun go down on your anger, (Ephesians 4:26). But I recently saw what it says in the beginning of that verse. In your anger, do not sin. Which comes from Psalm 4:4--In your anger do not sin;/when you are on your beds,/search your hearts and be silent.Selah. So then is it okay to be angry? As long as you don't hold onto it and allow the devil a foothold? I think that anger is simply a part of our human nature. It is simply how we choose to deal with that anger that says what kind of person we are. I just looked up anger on bible.com, there were 10 pages of entries from the Old Testament and one from the New. Here are some of them:

Romans 2:8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.
1 Corinthians 13:5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
2 Corinthians 12:20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin" [ Psalm 4:4] : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Colossians 3:8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
1 Timothy 2:8 I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

So in equating anger with conflict, I have simply made the choice to let go rather than defend myself. Some of my readers may be familiar with the Litany Against Fear. I guess I took the idea and made my own Litany Against Anger. I would simply take a deep breath and feel the anger roll off until I could look rationally at whatever the issue was. I discovered that I was usually wrong, or perhaps, I perceived that I was usually in the wrong because my responses were based on emotion rather than logic or rational thought. And while I started out with good intentions, I eventually conditioned myself to vilify my emotions. And this is a terribly slippery slope, eventually leading to me simply not liking myself--because I am a highly emotional person and I had been convinced that emotions were wrong. I have spent so much energy controlling my inner reality, that I lost control of my visible reality. I may get to the end of the day and be completely exhausted from wrestling with myself, but it appears as if I have spent my day in idleness.

So I began avoiding conflict because it drains me.

So thus ends Conflict-Part One.

On a side note--if you like medieval fashion-Karenee left some great links in the comments of my last post.

This is for Karenee who apparently shares my fondness for unusual shoes

Look HERE for the coolest boots ever(scroll down to the 1910 high boots). If I ever have a spare $700 or so lying around, maybe I'll get them. I meant to include them in my last post but I forgot.

Since I am already being frivolous, Here is a question for you. Why do you wear clothes(other than the obvious). Are your clothes an armor against the world? Do you just wear whatever mostly fits and don't care what it looks like? Do you strive to look like everyone else? Does your style change with the years or are you drawn to the clothes that were popular in your youth? Are your clothes a mask?

I look at clothes as costumes to fit my mood. But I do know how to dress appropriately when the occasion calls for appropriate clothing.

When I was a little girl my dream was to own a "Gunne Sax" dress. I got my first one when I was sixteen. Eventually Jessica McClintock stoppped making the Gunne Sax line, but continued under her name. I have worn a Jessica or Scott McCclintock dress for all the big moments in my life. There was the dress for my sister's rehearsal dinner, the evening gown I wore in the Miss Reflections pageant(yes, I was in a pageant--I was the band representative, the girl they really wanted had already been chosen by the chorus), My favorite dress I wore to the Sophomore dinner, then I wore my 2nd favorite for my sophomore recital. And of course my Wedding dress was a Jessica McClintock, as were my bridesmaids dresses. Alas, Jessica's style no longer mirrors my own. But I try to convince myself to lose weight by promising myself a vintage gunne sax from ebay(these are the neo-edwardian and peasant/medieval dresses from the '70's).

My second favorite clothing line was Laura Ashley. What more dso I need to say. Style, grace, sophistication. That was Laura Ashley to me. Alas, they closed all their stores in the US.

In my mid twenties I was introduced to April Cornell. Very similar to Laura Ashley. Alas, those stores also closed. Ooh, but I just discovered they have reopened their website! What you don't realize is that I just called my mom with this exciting news and we spent a while shopping together over the phone. We share similar tastes.

So my writing time is over. The babies are awake and it's time for lunch. I guess my thoughts on clothes as costumes will have to wait. (I bet you'll be counting the minutes until my next post :))

peace and rowboats

Debbie

Well, I see a few people have made their way here. (Waves at Karenee). It's been one of those foggy weeks, so I don't have too much to say. I'm skipping bible study this morning. I have not been feeling well. I've been having low grade fevers again. I went to bed at 8 sunday night and slept until 6:30am. Then took a 2 hr nap in the afternoon. I was sitting on the couch writing, and the next thing I know thirty minutes have passed and I have a crick in my neck. So I went to bed since the twins were napping. I only got up because I had to go to the bus stop. Finally around dinner time I thought to take my temp. What's annoying is that it isn't really high enough to be a real fever, but just enough to make me miserable. I usually have a low body temp, so anything over 98.6 makes me miserable, moody, and gloomy. I took some ibuprofen and it helped a little. I probably need to take some more this morning. I'm feeling excessively tired and foggy.

I had a really bad day on Friday. Thursday night splitcat informed me that he needed me to stay for the homecoming dance on Saturday to help out. I had only been planning to help out before hand then go home. I am currently wardrobe challenged since I gained some weight after the twins were born. I knew I didn't need to dress up, but I did want to look nice since I hadn't met anyone at his school yet. So I looked at 2 malls and found absolutely nothing that fit. Plus at the 2nd mall the children were a little hyper. It is extremely frustrating to try on clothes and have nothing fit, even something as simple as a shirt even though it is in your size. Apparently designers think that all women have a size 2 waist with a 36DD chest and toothpicks for arms and legs. Looking back, I probably had a fever and didn't know it which only contributed to my feeling like crap. So on Saturday I took the kids to walmart and found a shirt that might match one of my skirts for $13.82. And lo and behold, it fit. So I managed to look halfway decent.

The dance went well. But left me even more tired than I already was since I was in charge of keeping the ice and punch filled and watching the food to refill it if needed. I ran around alot. I saw way more teenage cleavage than I ever wanted to. I really wondered how these girls mothers let them out of the house. My mother wouldn't have. The guys all looked nice in their suits. I only saw one dress that was longer than knee length, most were mid thigh. I think I was in college before I wore anything that short. Actually, here's me in the shortest skirt I've ever worn.

This was winter 95-my sophomore year. And the smallest I've ever been. I was so excited because I fit in my roommates skirt, which was a size 6 or 8. It wasn't quite so short on her. This is one of my favorite college memories. We were on our way to a "coffee house" in the cafeteria. I think I was going for the "beatnik" look since it was a coffee house. I drank way to much coffee. My roommate went to bed and I wandered around campus with our friend Scott. He was in love with my roommate. Since it was after 11 we actually had to sneak around campus. Which made it more fun. I remember walking under the naked trees on the front lawn and looking up into the branches which were eerily lit and pretending I was trapped in Tolkien's forest(the one with the spiders(I can't remember the name)). I was pretty high on caffeine. Scott was a cool guy, we had a lot of fun talking about totally random things. I think he was probably hanging out with me because he wanted to know if my roommate liked him(she didn't know-they never did get together). I used to be fun to be around. Especially when I'd had too much caffeine. I would talk about really odd and goofy subjects. I think that is part of me I am trying to find again. The fun me. The me that likes to wear my pink and black converse high tops with striped knee-hi socks in green, orange, yellow and purple. Okay, so that's what I wore to the mall on Friday with a denim skirt and orange shirt. So I haven't totally lost my goofy side. It tends to come out in my clothing choices. These are the shoes I want now. And these. And these. And these. Not your traditional footwear choices for a mother of four. But I really love boots that lace up. I have this weird thing though, where I don't like lace up boots to have zippers. which is why i really like that last pair of boots. So now that I'm treading totally shallow water, and my coffee seems to have kicked in, I need to get some house work done. Even though I'd rather look at shoes.

Tune in next time when I might be discussing Conflict.

Well, I meant to use this blog. I forget it is here. But since it still gets hits, I guess I'll post.

What is Debbie's World? It is the world in my head. I live there most of the time. What does it look like in my head? There are lots of trees and grassy areas where I can sit on a blanket. There are also swings where I can relax and read a book. The weather is frequently, but not always, beautiful and is usually like an early fall day. It's just cold enough to need a light sweater. There is always a playful wind. Every evening the fireflies dance in and under the trees and the smell of honeysuckle wafts gently across the land. Sometimes there are thunderstorms that make the trees shed the leaves they have held onto for too long. When it rains I retreat to the front porch swing and watch the clouds rolling and the lightning flash. In the past few years there has been a lot of fog. I cannot always see my way to my favorite places because they have been hidden from me. And I stumble around in confusion looking for my remembered places of safety. Sometimes when the fog lifts I find that the landscape has been transformed. And I have to find new places. The transformation always makes my world a better place, but there is still the pain that always comes with change.

Sometimes danger lurks like a cat. Hidden in the grass, waiting to pounce the moment it senses weakness. Usually in the midst of those tranforming fogs, when I know change is going on, it strikes at me with it's harshest weapons--my memories. I remember the way things were and rail against the changes I sense being made. But I have learned that dwelling on the past only delays the transformation and keeps me from finding the peace that once prevailed in my world. But there is always hope in my world and the danger is not the killing kind.

So if my world sounds like a place you are interested in visiting, please stop by from time to time.

An Aside: The idea of Debbie's World started when I was in High school. In art class when we had free time to paint or draw I started drawing pictures of trees and random things and titled them "A _______ in Debbie's World." I seem to recall a penguin living there at one time. Then on my 18th birthday, splitcat, who was at the time my best friend(now my husband) drew me a card titled "Lost on the Plains of Seibbed Dlrow" where he borrowed my tree imagery and added his favorite stick figure carrying a bouquet of flowers and wearing a top hat. It gave me hope that Debbie's World would one day have an inhabitant other than myself. We started going out not long thereafter. Over the years I have had a few other visitors, and now it's your turn.