fire

I have a song to sing, unique to myself. A way of worship, a way of joy. It is an everlasting fire, burning deep within my spirit. I've nearly doused it many times. But it persists and beckons and calls me to forego my silence. I can feel it burning. I can feel it burning. I want to fan the flame until it consumes me. Drowns me. Till I am reduced to ashes. And like a phoenix, arise from my death with a new song on my lips and a fire in my heart...and a love that cannot be quenched.

Storms

Sometimes the pressure builds so slowly, you hardly sense the gathering clouds. You happen to glance up, seeing the sky begin to cave in on you. And sometimes you are caught out in the open, there is nowhere to hide. The sense of danger heightens as the air grows close. It gets hard to breathe, the air is so heavy with expectation.

Then, as you prepare for the worst, a breeze. Then a wind. Then you are standing in the gusting winds of change. Fear is replaced with exhilaration. You are still standing in the midst of the storm, but you can only see the beauty of it, and you don't mind if you get a little wet, because the joy of being alive in such a moment is enough.

Bad poetry

the bottom of my soul
is a deep dark hole
Grimy slimy things
that don't like the light
slither grasping holding
my pain their delight

Like a flash of lightning
seen from afar
You wait
For me
And I run

While reading Pioneer Woman's blog, I followed her link to a new company called Wild Olive Tees. I want one. I don't usually like Christian Tees. They are usually really cheesy. These are not. I think they are quite lovely. When they get the classic tee shape up and going I want to get the "rooted." one. I like trees. I also really like the "transform your mind" one. So, check them out.

Voices and Breakthrough

In the past several years I have struggled to find my voice in my writing. I hear the voice in my head, distinctive, yet it never comes through on paper. Instead I get stilted words and meaningless phrases. And what could be a thing of beauty becomes a tangled wreck. I cannot tell you how many times I have begun rewriting my novel, struggling to find the right place and voice to start it. Each time I get closer to what feels right, yet I cannot find peace in it. So I put in on the shelf while I let the Lord lead me further into this dark night of mine. My secret hope being that I will find my voice and will put to paper the beauty I see in my head.

Today, I read a book by an author with a strong voice. An author I particularly like for the dreamy quality of her works. When I finish one of her books it is like waking from a lullaby. With the cadence of her writing dictating the flow of my thinking, I began to think of the naming of things and then of voices. And I was shown, with sudden clarity, my voicelessness. Not just in writing, but in my life. Since I was a child I have seldom spoken for myself. I have floated through life, unspeaking. Unwilling to put voice to my needs or wants. Yet needing and wanting nonetheless. Going with the flow while making silent protest by wearing gaudy socks. Assimilating myself with the nearest person, soaking up their personality to the detriment of my own. And in these friendless years of desert wandering I have forgotten all those who came before. And I am stripped bare of voice, of personality. Nothing remains but half remembered glimpses of people I used to be. Yet who am I? Embarrassed by my lack of self, I hide. Voiceless, I listen to other voices that tell me I am nothing, until I am nothing. A snail, hiding in my shell.

But there is a flame, that draws me, calls me. And I peek my head out from under my wing to see if I am straying from the path, and I correct my course. I stumble and fall again and again, until I must keep my head up or fall to the side. And still that voice draws me out from myself, from my hiding place. And I feel exposed, raw, and new. Still wandering, but with greater purpose. Watching, waiting, hoping to see my self along the way. Yet what little remains of me continues to be stripped away and I panic. Clinging blindly to the shreds of me that remain, only to cast them off when I see how ugly and futile they are. But He is faithful, even when I am not. I have asked for His judgment, and He has judged me. He has shown me that my silence is pride. And my pride is fear. And my fear is sin.

He is faithful to forgive me. He heals my wounds and gives me strength. And I begin to see that my voice should be His. Until I surrender the desire for my voice, He cannot give me His. Lord, take the voice I cannot find and replace it with one of Your making. Let it be an instrument of your love, a mouthpiece for your justice. Infuse it with the power of Your Spirit and Truth. Let it be holy and pure. A light for a dark world.

Vulnerability

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Vulnerable is defined as
1)Susceptible to physical or emotional injury
2)Open to censure or criticism; assailable
3)Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation(thank you dictionary.com)

A friend and I had several discussions on vulnerability this past weekend, thus here are my meandering thoughts on the subject. What keeps us from being vulnerable and is it a bad thing to be "open to censure or criticism?"

I think when you are vulnerable with someone you are giving them a gift. In the lovely words of Karen Peris, you hold my heart and your fingers are shaking, don't drop it. You are trusting them with your heart. It is a scary thing to do. There are no guarantees that they won't drop it on the floor and step on it with contempt. And if this happens to us, once, twice, or multiple times, then we begin to fear and we withdraw our hearts from circulation. Then our fear turns to pride, and we say we don't need anyone.

Then sometimes we realize that this is an unpleasant way to live. We repent, open ourselves up until we get stepped on, then the cycle continues. Eventually our hearts are hardened to the point where we can no longer even accept love that is freely given, the love of Jesus. Thankfully, he cares too much for his sheep and will go after the one who is lost.

But what benefit is there to being vulnerable to others? I don't know if there is a benefit for others, but the benefit for us is that we are not sinning by being prideful, or living in fear. We are also run the risk of living a life of blame and unforgiveness. Also sin.

The last few years I have been contemplating I Corinthians 13(amplified).
4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

My desire is to love as He loves. To ooze love from my every pore. I have a long way to go. But, over the past year he has me standing for the part that says "it takes no account of the evil done to it[it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]." Every time I have suffered a wrong, he reminds me of this, and he offers me the choice to forgive and forget. Now it has become almost automatic. Sometimes I do find myself harboring anger, and it saddens me. That is not His best for me. But what has really surprised me, is how by forgiving, I am opening up my heart to be more vulnerable. Because I am choosing not to live in the pain of rejection, I need not fear rejection. Not that I succeed in this at all times, but often enough to change my life.

As much as it pains me to say it, I am not nearly as vulnerable as I would like to be. I still guard my heart in certain situations, but guarding my heart is different from closing it completely. I think we often think that being vulnerable means that we have to tell everybody everything about ourselves. We have to be completely open. I am not sure of this. Some things are best left between you and perhaps one or two others. It is the reason for non-disclosure that I think is important. Will it diminish someone in other people's eyes? Will it cause another brother to stumble. Or are you just embarrassed. If I am afraid of having people know things about me because it will be embarrassing, then maybe I need to think about it some more. Am I just being prideful?

When we are vulnerable we are able to ask for the help we need. Sometimes the Lord keeps us from seeking help because He is teaching us to seek Him first, but sometimes He sends us people to help us and hold us accountable.

Now He seems to be teaching me to live out the love is not self-seeking part. I will be vulnerable here and admit that I really stink at this. But my heart wants it enough to make me keep praying for the grace to live a self-less life. Being a mother requires a certain selflessness which I am often not very gracious about, but it is a selflessness that can't really be helped. What I am talking about is truly giving over every moment that we want to take for ourselves and giving it to others. It could be to your husband, wife, friend, children, the people at the old folks home, etc. It's not a fun thing to learn to do. I am selfish and I get tired when all I do is fulfill everyone else's needs, while my own are ignored. I am trying to look at my life with a heavenly perspective. It's pretty ugly looking down on myself. I have such a long way to go. What I must do is let go of the fear that my needs will not be met. This is a very real fear for me. But I have a Good Father, who not only loves to give good gifts to His children, but also promises that I will not suffer from want.-(matthew 6:25-34). well, my husband is home, so I am going to put my words into practice and leave what I want to do(keep blogging) to do what I should do and give him a big hug and give my family their dinner.