15th Anniversary

15th Anniversary, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

We had a lovely anniversary. We went out and saw "Devil." It wasn't bad. I kind of liked it. Splitcat gave me a new ring to wear until I can fit in my wedding rings again. He got new running shoes. Fifteen years went by a lot more quickly than I thought it would. The past ten years have been taken up with babies and such--and there are several years in there I don't really remember(which is probably a good thing). I am enjoying my kids getting older.

22/365

22/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Sunrise this morning. It was lovely.

14/365

14/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

13/365

13/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Everyone passed out on the floor last night on the way to bed. M was screaming that he didn't want to sleep alone, he likes having someone with him. He got down on the floor and was asleep within about 2 minutes. W saw him laying there and lay down next to him and fell asleep. E. was pretending to be asleep on her floor(to avoid having to sleep with M-she's been reading to him every night and playing with the twins until bedtime), and actually fell asleep. It was pretty funny.

It's strange that M is always crying that he doesn't want to be alone when his brother is 3 feet away. He doesn't seem to count. I wonder why.

9/365

9/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

I got a good laugh first thing this morning when I went to wake up the boy. I found this arrangement on the floor. He and I have been trying to figure out fourth grade homework. I was informed at orientation that it will get worse. The girls starts with homework on monday. I hope I can survive.

6/365

6/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

The flowers in my kitchen window. My pictures over the weekend were less than exciting, so I was aiming for somthing a little better to start the week.

3/365

3/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

It's saturday morning. No fancy pictures today. Just a quick snapshot of my morning. Because nothing says Saturday like leftover Chinese food, a Coke, and Ratchet and Clank. This was about 10:30 this morning(and yes, I was eating in bed). I wish I could say that I slept in, and this is my breakfast. Unfortunately, the sad truth is I was awake at 6 am and up by 6:30. I ate my leftover spring roll for breakfast with a cup of decaf coffee(and a bagel-not a mix I recommend for flavor reasons).

Splitcat is off selling used uniforms at school(a great fundraiser for the student govt). P is playing Battlefront II on his PS2, I'm on the PS3 and E and the twins are playing. I am really enjoying the twins getting older. I am much less in demand. Soon it will be bath time for all. Some of my children are a little malodorous today. It is very cloudy and humid today, but cooler than it has been. I am really ready for summer to end. The heat and humidity drain me. Today is my mother's birthday, so we must call her, and tomorrow is the twin's birthday. I can't believe they will be 4 years old. So, anyway, enough of my rambling. Have a great weekend.

2/365

2/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Today has me thinking about music and its absence in my life.

1/365

1/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

So, I've been thinking of doing the 365 Project for about a year, but it never seemed the right time to start. I've decided now is the time because my life has undergone some major work in the past few weeks.

As part of my new life I have quit my day job. I will still work in the nursery on 2 Sundays a month because I really enjoy the ladies I work with. But I am now a real stay at home mom. It is a relief and a little terrifying. There are many things I hope to accomplish, the main one being rest. I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. It is tempting to commit myself to all sorts of classes and Bible studies to fill the empty hours, but I know this only leads to more exhaustion. I will participate in a few things, otherwise I will be too isolated, but I am going to be very careful with my commitments. Committing to taking a photo a day is as big of a commitment as I want to make. I will try to also post them here.

Do not fear, I will not subject you to countless photos of myself. My goal is to take a photo that represents my day, or my thoughts, or of something I find beautiful. I hope to also write along with the photo, but I am not making any promises.

So why this photo for today? This is a project I am working on for the twins bedroom. We are in the process of redoing their bedroom, updating and putting in their big boy beds. But the walls are really blank. And my budget has been maxxed out. There is one poster I want to buy eventually, but for now, they get pictures made by me. I have been cutting and gluing this little guy all week. Working here and there. It is almost done. So, I thought a picture of a work in progress was appropriate, as I am viewing myself these days as a work in progress. Some days go really well, and reality matches my vision. Some days I get glue everywhere and have to extricate myself from the mess I've made. Some days I just sit back and contemplate on the work that has been done and wonder what it will all look like in the end.

Swing

Swing, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Reflections

Reflections, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

I have a fear of
looking in mirrors
my reflection
is not a reflection of me
I have dreams
of my image
smiling back at me
where there is no smile
on my own face
a chance reflection
in a door
exposes my emptiness
No solid self to taunt
Just a ghost of my
past present future

Launching

Launching, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

The unknown beckons
In the morning light
When life seems clear
Full of possibilities
An endless horizon
To explore

I am no sailor
For I fear the stormy seas
Yet I will sail on
And one day
Walk on water

and in the spring it rains

sometimes gently in the morning
bare-footed
I walk through the grass
stand under the trees that
Drip
Drip
tenderly like a kiss

sometimes it teases in the afternoon
bare-headed
I stand in the whipping wind
with perfect intention
Breathe
Breathe
deeply like a sigh

sometimes loudly in the twilight
bare-souled
I dance through my yard
to my own electric beat
Spin
Spin
swiftly like fire

sometimes quietly through the night
bare-hearted
I close my weary eyes
to dream of trees and green
Hush
Hush
softly like a lullaby

fire

I have a song to sing, unique to myself. A way of worship, a way of joy. It is an everlasting fire, burning deep within my spirit. I've nearly doused it many times. But it persists and beckons and calls me to forego my silence. I can feel it burning. I can feel it burning. I want to fan the flame until it consumes me. Drowns me. Till I am reduced to ashes. And like a phoenix, arise from my death with a new song on my lips and a fire in my heart...and a love that cannot be quenched.

Storms

Sometimes the pressure builds so slowly, you hardly sense the gathering clouds. You happen to glance up, seeing the sky begin to cave in on you. And sometimes you are caught out in the open, there is nowhere to hide. The sense of danger heightens as the air grows close. It gets hard to breathe, the air is so heavy with expectation.

Then, as you prepare for the worst, a breeze. Then a wind. Then you are standing in the gusting winds of change. Fear is replaced with exhilaration. You are still standing in the midst of the storm, but you can only see the beauty of it, and you don't mind if you get a little wet, because the joy of being alive in such a moment is enough.

Bad poetry

the bottom of my soul
is a deep dark hole
Grimy slimy things
that don't like the light
slither grasping holding
my pain their delight

Like a flash of lightning
seen from afar
You wait
For me
And I run

While reading Pioneer Woman's blog, I followed her link to a new company called Wild Olive Tees. I want one. I don't usually like Christian Tees. They are usually really cheesy. These are not. I think they are quite lovely. When they get the classic tee shape up and going I want to get the "rooted." one. I like trees. I also really like the "transform your mind" one. So, check them out.

Voices and Breakthrough

In the past several years I have struggled to find my voice in my writing. I hear the voice in my head, distinctive, yet it never comes through on paper. Instead I get stilted words and meaningless phrases. And what could be a thing of beauty becomes a tangled wreck. I cannot tell you how many times I have begun rewriting my novel, struggling to find the right place and voice to start it. Each time I get closer to what feels right, yet I cannot find peace in it. So I put in on the shelf while I let the Lord lead me further into this dark night of mine. My secret hope being that I will find my voice and will put to paper the beauty I see in my head.

Today, I read a book by an author with a strong voice. An author I particularly like for the dreamy quality of her works. When I finish one of her books it is like waking from a lullaby. With the cadence of her writing dictating the flow of my thinking, I began to think of the naming of things and then of voices. And I was shown, with sudden clarity, my voicelessness. Not just in writing, but in my life. Since I was a child I have seldom spoken for myself. I have floated through life, unspeaking. Unwilling to put voice to my needs or wants. Yet needing and wanting nonetheless. Going with the flow while making silent protest by wearing gaudy socks. Assimilating myself with the nearest person, soaking up their personality to the detriment of my own. And in these friendless years of desert wandering I have forgotten all those who came before. And I am stripped bare of voice, of personality. Nothing remains but half remembered glimpses of people I used to be. Yet who am I? Embarrassed by my lack of self, I hide. Voiceless, I listen to other voices that tell me I am nothing, until I am nothing. A snail, hiding in my shell.

But there is a flame, that draws me, calls me. And I peek my head out from under my wing to see if I am straying from the path, and I correct my course. I stumble and fall again and again, until I must keep my head up or fall to the side. And still that voice draws me out from myself, from my hiding place. And I feel exposed, raw, and new. Still wandering, but with greater purpose. Watching, waiting, hoping to see my self along the way. Yet what little remains of me continues to be stripped away and I panic. Clinging blindly to the shreds of me that remain, only to cast them off when I see how ugly and futile they are. But He is faithful, even when I am not. I have asked for His judgment, and He has judged me. He has shown me that my silence is pride. And my pride is fear. And my fear is sin.

He is faithful to forgive me. He heals my wounds and gives me strength. And I begin to see that my voice should be His. Until I surrender the desire for my voice, He cannot give me His. Lord, take the voice I cannot find and replace it with one of Your making. Let it be an instrument of your love, a mouthpiece for your justice. Infuse it with the power of Your Spirit and Truth. Let it be holy and pure. A light for a dark world.

Vulnerability

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Vulnerable is defined as
1)Susceptible to physical or emotional injury
2)Open to censure or criticism; assailable
3)Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation(thank you dictionary.com)

A friend and I had several discussions on vulnerability this past weekend, thus here are my meandering thoughts on the subject. What keeps us from being vulnerable and is it a bad thing to be "open to censure or criticism?"

I think when you are vulnerable with someone you are giving them a gift. In the lovely words of Karen Peris, you hold my heart and your fingers are shaking, don't drop it. You are trusting them with your heart. It is a scary thing to do. There are no guarantees that they won't drop it on the floor and step on it with contempt. And if this happens to us, once, twice, or multiple times, then we begin to fear and we withdraw our hearts from circulation. Then our fear turns to pride, and we say we don't need anyone.

Then sometimes we realize that this is an unpleasant way to live. We repent, open ourselves up until we get stepped on, then the cycle continues. Eventually our hearts are hardened to the point where we can no longer even accept love that is freely given, the love of Jesus. Thankfully, he cares too much for his sheep and will go after the one who is lost.

But what benefit is there to being vulnerable to others? I don't know if there is a benefit for others, but the benefit for us is that we are not sinning by being prideful, or living in fear. We are also run the risk of living a life of blame and unforgiveness. Also sin.

The last few years I have been contemplating I Corinthians 13(amplified).
4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

My desire is to love as He loves. To ooze love from my every pore. I have a long way to go. But, over the past year he has me standing for the part that says "it takes no account of the evil done to it[it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]." Every time I have suffered a wrong, he reminds me of this, and he offers me the choice to forgive and forget. Now it has become almost automatic. Sometimes I do find myself harboring anger, and it saddens me. That is not His best for me. But what has really surprised me, is how by forgiving, I am opening up my heart to be more vulnerable. Because I am choosing not to live in the pain of rejection, I need not fear rejection. Not that I succeed in this at all times, but often enough to change my life.

As much as it pains me to say it, I am not nearly as vulnerable as I would like to be. I still guard my heart in certain situations, but guarding my heart is different from closing it completely. I think we often think that being vulnerable means that we have to tell everybody everything about ourselves. We have to be completely open. I am not sure of this. Some things are best left between you and perhaps one or two others. It is the reason for non-disclosure that I think is important. Will it diminish someone in other people's eyes? Will it cause another brother to stumble. Or are you just embarrassed. If I am afraid of having people know things about me because it will be embarrassing, then maybe I need to think about it some more. Am I just being prideful?

When we are vulnerable we are able to ask for the help we need. Sometimes the Lord keeps us from seeking help because He is teaching us to seek Him first, but sometimes He sends us people to help us and hold us accountable.

Now He seems to be teaching me to live out the love is not self-seeking part. I will be vulnerable here and admit that I really stink at this. But my heart wants it enough to make me keep praying for the grace to live a self-less life. Being a mother requires a certain selflessness which I am often not very gracious about, but it is a selflessness that can't really be helped. What I am talking about is truly giving over every moment that we want to take for ourselves and giving it to others. It could be to your husband, wife, friend, children, the people at the old folks home, etc. It's not a fun thing to learn to do. I am selfish and I get tired when all I do is fulfill everyone else's needs, while my own are ignored. I am trying to look at my life with a heavenly perspective. It's pretty ugly looking down on myself. I have such a long way to go. What I must do is let go of the fear that my needs will not be met. This is a very real fear for me. But I have a Good Father, who not only loves to give good gifts to His children, but also promises that I will not suffer from want.-(matthew 6:25-34). well, my husband is home, so I am going to put my words into practice and leave what I want to do(keep blogging) to do what I should do and give him a big hug and give my family their dinner.

Midnight Thoughts

(this post was written after another that has since been deleted that talked about teen angst)


I think I have moved a little beyond my teenage angst. I have found my creative outlets. I have learned to recognize when I am becoming overly melancholy and no longer allow myself to revel in it. I have also learned that my melancholy is not always in my head, but my body looking for something it is missing, like protein or water. I have learned to be content whether or not I have friends.

I wasn't exactly the lonely girl who wore black all the time, but I lived between three worlds. School, Music, and Church. I had my school friends and my church friends, and then I had my musical life(I played the flute). There was only one person from my school that I ever hung out with outside of school and that was only for a brief period. My church life was by far my greater reality. Music was somewhere in between. My closest school friends and my church friends didn't really relate to me as a musician. They knew I was in band and that I was good, but it didn't have any real meaning for them. But music was where I had my identity. It was what I was good at. I also wrote reams of bad poetry. I did not keep a journal other than my poetry and letters to my best friend that I would forget to mail. I was afraid to write down what I was actually feeling. I could not give voice to my needs or desires. Looking back, I think this is also the root of my inability to improvise musically. It would mean letting go. I knew I was a time-bomb of emotion. It was going to be messy when I finally exploded, and I didn't want that. I think that there was also a fear that if I did express myself I would be misunderstood. Like when I had to talk at the end of a retreat. You have to answer the question, "What does Jesus mean to you" in front of a bunch of strangers. I was crying out of sheer nerves, not knowing at the time that I pick up on the emotions of the people around me. Sit me in a room with a bunch of girls who have just had a hugely impactful weekend with the Lord, and I will cry. I could hear murmurs in the crowd approving how my feelings for the Lord had deepened as evidenced by my tears, but that wasn't true. I was crying because everyone else felt that way. Other times I have attended this weekend as a worker, I have to explain to people that I am really okay, I just cry because some one else is. Now I know to question my emotions at times, because they may not be my own.

Poor splitcat bore the brunt when I finally exploded. He told me once that one of the first things he noticed about me was my stoicism. Ha ha. So it was very confusing to him why after we started dating I cried all the time. I trusted him, and so I let my feelings out. I was a mess for quite some time. I had not learned how to deal with my emotions. In my first two years at college, music really became my life. And for the first time my closest friends knew me as a musician. I would like to be able to say that I handled the transition well. But the little bit of humility I had as a high schooler disappeared. Having three different lives had been more beneficial than I had realized. But by the end of my sophomore year, I defined myself as a musician, that was where I had placed the largest part of my identity. I was even more of a mess emotionally. I no longer knew how to contain myself. I had lost a large amount of self-control. So of course at this point I got married. :)

The summer before we got married I began to relearn how to keep my emotions in check(mostly I just denied I had any). It wasn't easy and I had to clean up the mess I had made. It wasn't until I had settled into married life that the impact of leaving my musical life hit me. The first year of our marriage I worked full-time and did not go to school. I had tried to find some musical outlets, but they didn't work out, and some of my musical shortcomings became very evident. So I left music totally behind. I was afraid to play in our apartment because I didn't want to make the neighbors mad and I did not feel like I could give lessons. Where I had once been arrogant because of my talent in playing, I suddenly felt that my shortcomings negated any abilities I had. So I struggled with losing my identity as a musician(and student) and gaining an identity as a wife. It hasn't been until the past few years that I have really begun to understand what the loss of my music meant to me. It was truly devastating, but I didn't know it at the time. I just knew that I couldn't listen to classical music anymore. I would hear songs I had played over the music systems in stores and have to shut it out so I wouldn't cry. It was like the world was mocking me. Now I can look back and see how the Lord was merciful to me to take me out like that. Pride does go before a fall. And falling is generally painful. I am thankful that He did not allow me to go on as I was. I am even more thankful that He is beginning to restore the musician part of me.

I went through a number of years where I began stuffing my emotions again. After seeing what a mess they made, I didn't really want anything to do with them. I just drifted through school and work. It was a lot harder to stuff my emotions this time, and I occasionally would explode, but I did my best. Then I had a baby. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. The last 7-8 years have been a confusing blur. Having babies has forced me to confront and deal with my emotions. It has been a really hard lesson to take in. I still haven't graduated, I don't know that I ever will, but I have learned alot about myself and my faith. God has been with me every step of the way. I don't know how people survive without Him. I am at a point now where I am standing on an overlook seeing the trail I have just ascended. It seemed fairly flat and uneventful at the time, but looking back I can see how different trails converged and I can see all the obstacles and how steep the path sometimes was. I can see how my suffering has been a training ground to prepare me for the even steeper and narrower path ahead. I am at a pause and reflect moment before I begin this next phase of my life. I am excited for whatever comes next. I have a map with some landmarks, but no trail marked on how to get to them, so I can't wait to see how the Lord gets me there. It is almost 4 am, so I should go to bed. Thanks for listening.