Midnight Thoughts

(this post was written after another that has since been deleted that talked about teen angst)


I think I have moved a little beyond my teenage angst. I have found my creative outlets. I have learned to recognize when I am becoming overly melancholy and no longer allow myself to revel in it. I have also learned that my melancholy is not always in my head, but my body looking for something it is missing, like protein or water. I have learned to be content whether or not I have friends.

I wasn't exactly the lonely girl who wore black all the time, but I lived between three worlds. School, Music, and Church. I had my school friends and my church friends, and then I had my musical life(I played the flute). There was only one person from my school that I ever hung out with outside of school and that was only for a brief period. My church life was by far my greater reality. Music was somewhere in between. My closest school friends and my church friends didn't really relate to me as a musician. They knew I was in band and that I was good, but it didn't have any real meaning for them. But music was where I had my identity. It was what I was good at. I also wrote reams of bad poetry. I did not keep a journal other than my poetry and letters to my best friend that I would forget to mail. I was afraid to write down what I was actually feeling. I could not give voice to my needs or desires. Looking back, I think this is also the root of my inability to improvise musically. It would mean letting go. I knew I was a time-bomb of emotion. It was going to be messy when I finally exploded, and I didn't want that. I think that there was also a fear that if I did express myself I would be misunderstood. Like when I had to talk at the end of a retreat. You have to answer the question, "What does Jesus mean to you" in front of a bunch of strangers. I was crying out of sheer nerves, not knowing at the time that I pick up on the emotions of the people around me. Sit me in a room with a bunch of girls who have just had a hugely impactful weekend with the Lord, and I will cry. I could hear murmurs in the crowd approving how my feelings for the Lord had deepened as evidenced by my tears, but that wasn't true. I was crying because everyone else felt that way. Other times I have attended this weekend as a worker, I have to explain to people that I am really okay, I just cry because some one else is. Now I know to question my emotions at times, because they may not be my own.

Poor splitcat bore the brunt when I finally exploded. He told me once that one of the first things he noticed about me was my stoicism. Ha ha. So it was very confusing to him why after we started dating I cried all the time. I trusted him, and so I let my feelings out. I was a mess for quite some time. I had not learned how to deal with my emotions. In my first two years at college, music really became my life. And for the first time my closest friends knew me as a musician. I would like to be able to say that I handled the transition well. But the little bit of humility I had as a high schooler disappeared. Having three different lives had been more beneficial than I had realized. But by the end of my sophomore year, I defined myself as a musician, that was where I had placed the largest part of my identity. I was even more of a mess emotionally. I no longer knew how to contain myself. I had lost a large amount of self-control. So of course at this point I got married. :)

The summer before we got married I began to relearn how to keep my emotions in check(mostly I just denied I had any). It wasn't easy and I had to clean up the mess I had made. It wasn't until I had settled into married life that the impact of leaving my musical life hit me. The first year of our marriage I worked full-time and did not go to school. I had tried to find some musical outlets, but they didn't work out, and some of my musical shortcomings became very evident. So I left music totally behind. I was afraid to play in our apartment because I didn't want to make the neighbors mad and I did not feel like I could give lessons. Where I had once been arrogant because of my talent in playing, I suddenly felt that my shortcomings negated any abilities I had. So I struggled with losing my identity as a musician(and student) and gaining an identity as a wife. It hasn't been until the past few years that I have really begun to understand what the loss of my music meant to me. It was truly devastating, but I didn't know it at the time. I just knew that I couldn't listen to classical music anymore. I would hear songs I had played over the music systems in stores and have to shut it out so I wouldn't cry. It was like the world was mocking me. Now I can look back and see how the Lord was merciful to me to take me out like that. Pride does go before a fall. And falling is generally painful. I am thankful that He did not allow me to go on as I was. I am even more thankful that He is beginning to restore the musician part of me.

I went through a number of years where I began stuffing my emotions again. After seeing what a mess they made, I didn't really want anything to do with them. I just drifted through school and work. It was a lot harder to stuff my emotions this time, and I occasionally would explode, but I did my best. Then I had a baby. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. The last 7-8 years have been a confusing blur. Having babies has forced me to confront and deal with my emotions. It has been a really hard lesson to take in. I still haven't graduated, I don't know that I ever will, but I have learned alot about myself and my faith. God has been with me every step of the way. I don't know how people survive without Him. I am at a point now where I am standing on an overlook seeing the trail I have just ascended. It seemed fairly flat and uneventful at the time, but looking back I can see how different trails converged and I can see all the obstacles and how steep the path sometimes was. I can see how my suffering has been a training ground to prepare me for the even steeper and narrower path ahead. I am at a pause and reflect moment before I begin this next phase of my life. I am excited for whatever comes next. I have a map with some landmarks, but no trail marked on how to get to them, so I can't wait to see how the Lord gets me there. It is almost 4 am, so I should go to bed. Thanks for listening.