Vulnerability

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Vulnerable is defined as
1)Susceptible to physical or emotional injury
2)Open to censure or criticism; assailable
3)Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation(thank you dictionary.com)

A friend and I had several discussions on vulnerability this past weekend, thus here are my meandering thoughts on the subject. What keeps us from being vulnerable and is it a bad thing to be "open to censure or criticism?"

I think when you are vulnerable with someone you are giving them a gift. In the lovely words of Karen Peris, you hold my heart and your fingers are shaking, don't drop it. You are trusting them with your heart. It is a scary thing to do. There are no guarantees that they won't drop it on the floor and step on it with contempt. And if this happens to us, once, twice, or multiple times, then we begin to fear and we withdraw our hearts from circulation. Then our fear turns to pride, and we say we don't need anyone.

Then sometimes we realize that this is an unpleasant way to live. We repent, open ourselves up until we get stepped on, then the cycle continues. Eventually our hearts are hardened to the point where we can no longer even accept love that is freely given, the love of Jesus. Thankfully, he cares too much for his sheep and will go after the one who is lost.

But what benefit is there to being vulnerable to others? I don't know if there is a benefit for others, but the benefit for us is that we are not sinning by being prideful, or living in fear. We are also run the risk of living a life of blame and unforgiveness. Also sin.

The last few years I have been contemplating I Corinthians 13(amplified).
4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

My desire is to love as He loves. To ooze love from my every pore. I have a long way to go. But, over the past year he has me standing for the part that says "it takes no account of the evil done to it[it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]." Every time I have suffered a wrong, he reminds me of this, and he offers me the choice to forgive and forget. Now it has become almost automatic. Sometimes I do find myself harboring anger, and it saddens me. That is not His best for me. But what has really surprised me, is how by forgiving, I am opening up my heart to be more vulnerable. Because I am choosing not to live in the pain of rejection, I need not fear rejection. Not that I succeed in this at all times, but often enough to change my life.

As much as it pains me to say it, I am not nearly as vulnerable as I would like to be. I still guard my heart in certain situations, but guarding my heart is different from closing it completely. I think we often think that being vulnerable means that we have to tell everybody everything about ourselves. We have to be completely open. I am not sure of this. Some things are best left between you and perhaps one or two others. It is the reason for non-disclosure that I think is important. Will it diminish someone in other people's eyes? Will it cause another brother to stumble. Or are you just embarrassed. If I am afraid of having people know things about me because it will be embarrassing, then maybe I need to think about it some more. Am I just being prideful?

When we are vulnerable we are able to ask for the help we need. Sometimes the Lord keeps us from seeking help because He is teaching us to seek Him first, but sometimes He sends us people to help us and hold us accountable.

Now He seems to be teaching me to live out the love is not self-seeking part. I will be vulnerable here and admit that I really stink at this. But my heart wants it enough to make me keep praying for the grace to live a self-less life. Being a mother requires a certain selflessness which I am often not very gracious about, but it is a selflessness that can't really be helped. What I am talking about is truly giving over every moment that we want to take for ourselves and giving it to others. It could be to your husband, wife, friend, children, the people at the old folks home, etc. It's not a fun thing to learn to do. I am selfish and I get tired when all I do is fulfill everyone else's needs, while my own are ignored. I am trying to look at my life with a heavenly perspective. It's pretty ugly looking down on myself. I have such a long way to go. What I must do is let go of the fear that my needs will not be met. This is a very real fear for me. But I have a Good Father, who not only loves to give good gifts to His children, but also promises that I will not suffer from want.-(matthew 6:25-34). well, my husband is home, so I am going to put my words into practice and leave what I want to do(keep blogging) to do what I should do and give him a big hug and give my family their dinner.