This morning in the car on the way to take the girl to school I heard one of my favorite songs to sing along to in the car. What's Up by 4 Non Blondes. This is one of those songs that just hits me on many levels. (Disclaimer: I don't have any idea what this song is really about, and I don't really know much about the band, so this is just me relating to the lyrics).

Here are the lyrics

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step
Outside I take a deep breath
I get real high
Then I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on

And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on

And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution

So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in my bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
I take a deep breath then I get real high
Then I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on

And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
**********
Firstly, It's really fun to sing along. I think the girl was quite amused by her mother belting out a song. Secondly, it pretty much sums up how I feel most of the time. I love the lines:

So I wake in the morning and I step
Outside I take a deep breath
I get real high

Because Fresh air is my drug of choice :). And at the same time I experience the thrill of breathing in the world, I'm still screaming inside "What's going on?" Why is the world such a mess, why is my house such a mess, Why am I such a mess?

Fortunately, I do know the answers to those questions. And even more fortunately I am friends with the author of Hope. I always see the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how desparate I have felt, how miserable, how alone, I know that I have a Hand to help me out of the pit I have dug for myself.

So anyway, I found as I was leaving the school and singing the end of the song, that letting myself go and singing as loud and obnoxiously as I could, felt really good. Freeing even. I found myself giggling and ready to take on the day.

Sometimes I suspect that in some regards I am very repressed. The question is, why do I hide? Is it fear? Is it just the way God made me? Is it pride? Or did I read too many victorian novels as a teenager? I think it may be an issue of control(which is I think a relative of fear).

I seem to be drawing some harsh conclusions about myself.

So as a friendly warning: the next time you pray or sing "Create in me a clean heart" be prepared.

Actually, now that I just said that I must share a little further. On tuesday at bible study when worship began I just sat back and closed my eyes(the lady sings too high for me). And I heard a little girl laugh. The kind 2 and 3 yr olds make when you tickle them or chase them. And I knew it came somewhere from within me. I listened to the laughter and had a picture of a little girl playing with Jesus, I think perhaps he was chasing her(I don't think I need to spell that out any further). And then I heard a gentle voice ask if I was ready to let go. I have been doing alot of sorting in my head the past few weeks-dredging up memories best left alone, memories of anger, memories of hurt. And while I know that dwelling on the past is dangerous, sometimes it is hard to let go of our pain. We think that our pain is what formed us and made us-and to put away those memories is to forget how we became ourselves. But I knew that these memories needed to go to their final resting place. They were only tearing me down (just ask my dh what kind of mood I've been in lately). So when I heard the Lord ask me this, I knew it was time. I spent a few minutes in prayer and what I saw next startled and surprised me. First I saw my heart, but it was really large. Then I saw bubbles on it, then I saw the Lord with a brush, scrubbing my heart. It was getting all foamy. I was reminded of the kind of foam toothpaste makes(and I just had the thought of how toothpaste is an abrasive, and how this whole cleansing process has abraded me-but is leaving me a lot cleaner). I could see that while from a distance my heart looked fine, he was concentrating on the little bits that were stuck in the wrinkles and crevices. Like if you have ever polished a silver candlestick or spoon. The big parts wipe up easy, but there is always some sort of engraving or decoration that stays black until you use just the right brush to reach it. And I was reminded of how sometimes when I am cleaning I can start obsessing about one small thing and work at it for an hour. Like when I tried to do the fly-lady step one and got really obsessed with the minutest spots on my sink. And I knew the Lord was just as obsessed with cleaning those stubborn black spots on my heart as I was with shining my kitchen sink. He's not going to quit until it is cleaned to his satisfaction.

And while part of me inwardly groans and says aren't we done yet? The rest of me is cheering Him on.