Conflict-Part One

Well, here is the much awaited non-frivolous post you have all been waiting for.

My struggles with conflict began simply. I needed more conflict in my novel. There was the larger external conflict that was the basis of the story, but there was almost no internal conflict or conflict between characters. So after some conversations with Val, I decided to first look at how I approach conflict in my own life. The answer, while not terribly surprising, was a little scary. I don't conflict. Conflict sends me into a dizzying spiral of doubt and confusion. It makes my stomach hurt. It makes me want to lay in bed in the fetal position in the dark. It makes cry. So I realized there was a much bigger issue involved than adding conflict to my novel. I was really confronted by my conflict inadequacies when we all piled into the car one day and the girl was in major conflict mode. I looked at splitcat and said, aren't you glad I'm not a drama queen? He looked right back at me and said something to the effect of that he wished I was sometimes because at least then he would know why I was mad and who I was mad at.
That was my second wake-up call. I had apparently taken passivity and conflict avoidance to a new level when my husband wants me to be a drama queen.

My third wake-up call came one day one I was reading a forum. A debate had sprung up, and I had skipped ahead and came across a response that totally shook me. The topic between the writer and one other participant was that silence does not equate unity. I don't have her permission to write out the whole thing, but I will hit the highlights that stuck with me.

1. "Silent treatment" is a form of manipulation
2. Running from conflict is in essence a form of the silent treatment
3. Silence does not promote unity within a family(she describes unity as coming together, being made one) but by discussing or hashing out a problem we know we are seeing only part of the picture(our thoughts and opinions) and know that our thoughts may need adjusting or may even be wrong. And meeting together and putting our thoughts and opinions "out there" helps us make that decision and will ultimately bring us closer as we begin to understand one another even if we do not agree. Even when we agree to disagree "the agreement being walked in is one of coming together with the understanding we are learning and growing, subject to change."

Part of what has contributed to my avoidance of conflict is that I tend to think that conflict arises out of anger.
I long ago took to heart the scripture that says not to let the sun go down on your anger, (Ephesians 4:26). But I recently saw what it says in the beginning of that verse. In your anger, do not sin. Which comes from Psalm 4:4--In your anger do not sin;/when you are on your beds,/search your hearts and be silent.Selah. So then is it okay to be angry? As long as you don't hold onto it and allow the devil a foothold? I think that anger is simply a part of our human nature. It is simply how we choose to deal with that anger that says what kind of person we are. I just looked up anger on bible.com, there were 10 pages of entries from the Old Testament and one from the New. Here are some of them:

Romans 2:8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.
1 Corinthians 13:5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
2 Corinthians 12:20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin" [ Psalm 4:4] : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Colossians 3:8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
1 Timothy 2:8 I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

So in equating anger with conflict, I have simply made the choice to let go rather than defend myself. Some of my readers may be familiar with the Litany Against Fear. I guess I took the idea and made my own Litany Against Anger. I would simply take a deep breath and feel the anger roll off until I could look rationally at whatever the issue was. I discovered that I was usually wrong, or perhaps, I perceived that I was usually in the wrong because my responses were based on emotion rather than logic or rational thought. And while I started out with good intentions, I eventually conditioned myself to vilify my emotions. And this is a terribly slippery slope, eventually leading to me simply not liking myself--because I am a highly emotional person and I had been convinced that emotions were wrong. I have spent so much energy controlling my inner reality, that I lost control of my visible reality. I may get to the end of the day and be completely exhausted from wrestling with myself, but it appears as if I have spent my day in idleness.

So I began avoiding conflict because it drains me.

So thus ends Conflict-Part One.

On a side note--if you like medieval fashion-Karenee left some great links in the comments of my last post.