Debbie's World

It's been a while

2012-01-15T16:40:00.000-05:00

I noticed that it has been a while since I really posted here. I've been in a bit of a slump the past 6 months or so. So I haven't had much to say. I guess I still don't. But I've been learning some things I've always wanted to know. To gain understanding of different ways of being. I have lived a very sheltered sort of life. I do not really know much of the world.

One thing I have always been curious about is the world of Fandom. I have lots of musicians and actors and stuff that I like. But I've never been one to be obsessive(shockingly, since I obsess about pretty much everything) about it. I've never understood that mentality. So since I started watching Korean t.v., fans are something you cannot avoid. Reading comments on YouTube is very entertaining, especially when it comes to "idols." I had no idea there was such a thing as an "anti" fan. I mean, I knew that something like that existed, there's always been haters. But the anti-fans can take it to a whole new level. So I am beginning to understand a little more about this sort of mentality.

It's also like the people who dress up as their favorite anime/manga/game characters and go to cons. Sure, I'd love to dress up and go to DragonCon, but I would go as a random steampunker, not anyone in particular. It's pretty fascinating. I understand dressing up. I think it's fun, and there is a lot of that lacking in the world. It's the obsession with one thing that gets me. Maybe just because my obsessions are so varied. My obsessions often have to do with the level of mental boredom I am experiencing. So it occurs to me to wonder how big of a part boredom plays in other people's obsessions. It has also occurred to me that there must be a lot of lonely people out there. Also, I think there are a lot of people dissatisfied with themselves, so becoming someone else takes away that pain.

Can you tell my thoughts on the subject are still somewhat jumbled. But taking on a sort of vague coherency.

So anyway. This is what I have been thinking about lately.

Summertime

2011-07-30T12:37:00.004-04:00

Summer time is nearly over. As summers go, it has been a good one. Not too much fighting, not too much heat, way too much humidity. But that means it has been raining, which is a good thing. The trees are actually still green instead of parched brown.

Things I've done this summer:
Vacation to the Smoky Mountains
Painted my bedroom furniture
slept in (thank you splitcat)
turned 36
cleaned stuff out and taken it away
opened an Etsy store
cleaned out our storage unit(our wallet thanked us)
plus all the everyday life that goes on.

The children start school in two weeks. Well, two of them do. The twins are doing another round of pre-k, so they will be starting the day after labor day. We decided it was best to hold them back. I need to try and get them both into speech therapy as soon as school starts. I may work with them at home on reading skills, and depending on their emotional status at the end of the year, start them in first grade. We'll have to wait and see.

This year has gone by really fast. Every year seems to go by more quickly. I still time my years by the school calendar, rather than the actual calendar, so I feel like it is time to take stock and examine where I want this year to go. I feel far more sane now than I have in a long time. It's kind of nice. I hope it lasts.

Weight loss is always high on my to-do list. But not because I want to be skinny, but because I need to be healthy. I am getting back to my homemade beauty routines, which always makes me feel better to know what I am washing myself with. I have even forayed into homemade deodorant(so far it works quite well). Knowing how insanely sensitive I am to chemicals really makes me think about what I am putting into and onto my body. Now I just need to make better food and beverage choices.

This year I also hope to do better keeping up with everyone's school work. In some ways I am glad the twins won't be in kindergarten because our school gives them tons of homework which is mostly parents doing something. Mulitply that by 2 and add a fifth grader and a third grader. P did not have a good year last year, and I really want to help him have a better one this year. But that means I have to stay right on top of him and his work. And if you haven't noticed, I have a hard time staying focused sometimes.

Perhaps I need to set some tangible goals for the year. Like a 30 before 30 list, except it would be a 37 before 37 list.

I guess I have some thinking to do!

Mumford and Sons

2010-11-28T18:40:00.004-05:00

I've been waiting a long time to find new music that really suits me. Johnny Flynn came along a few years ago and woke up the something in me that needs music. I've watched Mumford and Sons on YouTube for a while, and gave splitcat their cd for his birthday. I was taken at once. This clip also has Johnny Flynn on the violin.

Stand Out

2010-11-12T12:37:00.002-05:00

Stand Out, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

I was at the Altlanta Union Mission thrift store near my house the other day and as I was leaving I spotted this albino pigeon amidst the large flock and felt compelled to take a picture of it. I feel like there is a lesson here somewhere, but I am not exactly sure what. I watched him(or her) for a few minutes, and it seemed totally unaware that it stood out so sharply. It acted just like all the other pigeons. If anything, it seemed to hold its head a little taller.

I remember thinking about being lonely, even in a crowd. I thought of "going against the flow." How as believers we are to be in the world, but not of it. I thought of being different from everyone around you. I suppose that is what got me thinking about loneliness. That is something I have pondered most of my life. It is very difficult for me to fit in a group. I suppose I appear aloof or snobby to some, but mostly I am shy. and fearful. and I tend to live inside my head where I am safe. I like quiet(which is fairly non-existent at my house with 4 kids).

I like being alone, but I do not like being lonely. And I get mad at myself when I forget that I am never alone. Surprisingly, it has been my youngest child who keeps reminding me of that. He often talks about "Jesus in my heart." He tells his brother not to hit him in the chest because he is hitting "Jesus in my heart." The other day he was making up silly walks, and while I was thinking of Monty Python, he giggled and said that "Jesus in my heart" likes it when I walk silly, it makes Him smile. I think he was right. There is so much in life to fret and worry over, and we get caught up in it and forget to breathe. Forget the things that make us laugh. Forget the things that bring us joy. So instead of the list of things that I am afraid of that I was thinkig of writing, here are some things that make me feel either joyful, or happy, or content, or peaceful, or just make me feel right inside.

Debbie's Happy List--in no particular order

Buttons
pretty fabric
lace
stuffed animals
trees
rain
thunderstorms
rainbows
birds
cats
my children's faces when they are sleeping
the sound of a french horn
things that lace up( like boots with laces, corsets, etc.)
old linens that have been embroidered
pianos
hugs
holding hands
the sound of drums faintly in the air on Friday nights in the fall
the sound of a band/orchestra tuning and warming up
the smell of honeysuckle at twilight
fireflies
books, especially old ones
my down comforter
baby feet and hands and heads
a campfire
stars on a clear night
mountains(especially the Appalachians)
fried chicken
sweet tea
front porch swings
Sunday afternoon naps

I guess there are a lot of things that make me feel good. I could probably add a lot more, but you are probably bored by now. What are some things that make you feel happy? Smells, sounds, sights? I'd love to know.

This was a really rambling post, wasn't it. I've been a little scatterbrained this week.

Ghost Town by First Aid Kit

2010-10-29T10:43:00.005-04:00

I've been following these girls for some time on youtube, and I just found this video and thought it rather lovely and wanted to share it. I've spent the morning looking for songs for a novel I am about to start working on, and I've added this one.

What I did today

2010-10-26T15:43:00.001-04:00

What I did today, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

I spent the morning at the pond at Sope Creek reading. A lady with her dog came by and we chatted about an hour. She was from France. It was a nice time. Until she came along it was wonderfully quiet with random people and their dogs wandering by on the path behind me. It is way too warm and humid today, considering it is almost November, but the wind was blowing and it smells of fall. The leaves are just starting to change in most places around here., but I've seen a few rather lovely ones. You never know what fall is going to look like around here. It could be over in a day, or last two months. This year seems pretty random. I am guessing it will be over with quickly.

Babies

2010-10-24T13:29:00.002-04:00

Today was one of my sundays to work in the nursery. What a day. We had to do a fire drill in the middle of church(just the kids, not all the adults). Fire drills in the baby room are always exciting. We have to put the babies in the evacuation crib push them down the hall and across the parking lot and up a hill to the playground. Thankfully there were four of us today, three of us are paid workers, the fourth is a volunteer. We had 5 babies, one of which had just been dropped off and was screaming. I got to hold her. She stopped screaming while we were outside. She started back as soon as we got into the nursery. We ended up calling 3 moms to get their babies today, and I was the one who had to hold all of them. My arms still hurt. They were all almost 1, so they were big babies. And they screamed very loudly in my ear.

I started working in the nursery for the extra money, and to get my baby fix. I have realized I no longer need a baby fix. Now, a newborn will still make me think about how lovely it is to have a little baby, but then I am quickly reminded of sleepless nights, constant diaper changing, someone always clinging to you. I love my children, and I am glad they aren't babies anymore. I am finally getting some freedom. I am finally getting into the swing of not having a job or children to take care of during the week during school hours. The first month, I gained 10 lbs. The twins were home for part of the time, and all they wanted to do all day was eat, so I started eating everytime they did. Bad idea. I have lost about 5 of those 10 lbs, but it hasn;t been easy. I am a boredom eater.

The hard part of staying home is finding things to do that don't cost money(or involve food). I live less than five miles from a mall and lots of strip malls. I am pretty good at just window shopping, but I am also compulsive. Especially when it comes to shoes. Of course, there is always housework to be done, and I am improving in that area. (speaking of which, I need to do some laundry). But I can only clean the same mess so many times before I want to scream. Now that the weather is cooler, I would like to go back to the park splitcat and I went to a couple of weeks ago and walk. And I have a friend who wants to walk in a nearby neighborhood. I joined one Bible study. It has been fun, but will be over soon. I think I am making some new friends. One lady told me today as she dropped her baby off, that she wished she had my phone number because she wanted to send me a text this morning as she was doing her hair(there is a story behind that-perhaps I will share later). So it was nice to know someone is thinking of me when I am not there. I tend to think I am an out of sight, out of mind kind of person. I always wonder if people think of me when I am not there(yeah, that's pretty vain, I know).

I think I am officially rambling, which means it is time to bring this post to its meandering conclusion so I can make sure my family has clean clothes for this week. (it's not the washing or folding I hate, it's the putting away). I had a coke today at work, thus you get chatty cathy today. it will wear off soon and I'll be my usual quiet self again. Hope everyone had a good weekend. I can't wait to hear how Karenee's unexpected vacation went!

2010-10-22T20:19:00.003-04:00

The moon is bright tonight
Like an eye full
of unshed tears
that sparks
suddenly in the light.

I cannot reach the moon
to wipe away the tears
nor can I embrace it
in its cold lonely light

I can only look on
from the darkened earth
and pray.

Adventure

2010-10-11T21:16:00.003-04:00

Today was a rare adventure day for splitcat and I. He had the day off for Columbus day, but all 4 kids had school. He took me to a park in Marietta to hike and photograph. It has been a long time since we were able to go out into nature together. I am not a big fan of walking in my neighborhood. There are no sidewalks, and after living here for 12 years, I am tired of looking at all the same houses. Thankfully we have a couple of really nice parks nearby. And the weather is attempting to be fall-ish. Last week it was, this week we are back in the 80's. Still wearing shorts. But I packed away a bunch of my summer clothes today because I am ready to move into fall.
But I ramble and digress.
What I meant to write about was that I think I recovered a bit of my sense of adventure today. It has been gone a while. Too tired, etc. But I had a blast scrambling over rocks and even crossing the creek to get to the ruins(remains of civil war to early 20thC paper mill and other industrial buildings). Thankfully the ruins had recently been cleaned out from all the kudzu, and we could explore a little. The creek was very very cold. It hasn't rained much lately, so it was pretty shallow. It felt really good to be out of the house, not at the mall, or shopping, or eating, but exploring and having an adventure.

15th Anniversary

2010-09-27T20:18:00.001-04:00

15th Anniversary, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

We had a lovely anniversary. We went out and saw "Devil." It wasn't bad. I kind of liked it. Splitcat gave me a new ring to wear until I can fit in my wedding rings again. He got new running shoes. Fifteen years went by a lot more quickly than I thought it would. The past ten years have been taken up with babies and such--and there are several years in there I don't really remember(which is probably a good thing). I am enjoying my kids getting older.

22/365

2010-09-03T10:59:00.001-04:00

22/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Sunrise this morning. It was lovely.

14/365

2010-08-30T08:45:00.001-04:00

14/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

13/365

2010-08-25T09:16:00.001-04:00

13/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Everyone passed out on the floor last night on the way to bed. M was screaming that he didn't want to sleep alone, he likes having someone with him. He got down on the floor and was asleep within about 2 minutes. W saw him laying there and lay down next to him and fell asleep. E. was pretending to be asleep on her floor(to avoid having to sleep with M-she's been reading to him every night and playing with the twins until bedtime), and actually fell asleep. It was pretty funny.

It's strange that M is always crying that he doesn't want to be alone when his brother is 3 feet away. He doesn't seem to count. I wonder why.

9/365

2010-08-20T09:40:00.001-04:00

9/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

I got a good laugh first thing this morning when I went to wake up the boy. I found this arrangement on the floor. He and I have been trying to figure out fourth grade homework. I was informed at orientation that it will get worse. The girls starts with homework on monday. I hope I can survive.

6/365

2010-08-17T18:45:00.001-04:00

6/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

The flowers in my kitchen window. My pictures over the weekend were less than exciting, so I was aiming for somthing a little better to start the week.

3/365

2010-08-14T12:32:00.001-04:00

3/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

It's saturday morning. No fancy pictures today. Just a quick snapshot of my morning. Because nothing says Saturday like leftover Chinese food, a Coke, and Ratchet and Clank. This was about 10:30 this morning(and yes, I was eating in bed). I wish I could say that I slept in, and this is my breakfast. Unfortunately, the sad truth is I was awake at 6 am and up by 6:30. I ate my leftover spring roll for breakfast with a cup of decaf coffee(and a bagel-not a mix I recommend for flavor reasons).

Splitcat is off selling used uniforms at school(a great fundraiser for the student govt). P is playing Battlefront II on his PS2, I'm on the PS3 and E and the twins are playing. I am really enjoying the twins getting older. I am much less in demand. Soon it will be bath time for all. Some of my children are a little malodorous today. It is very cloudy and humid today, but cooler than it has been. I am really ready for summer to end. The heat and humidity drain me. Today is my mother's birthday, so we must call her, and tomorrow is the twin's birthday. I can't believe they will be 4 years old. So, anyway, enough of my rambling. Have a great weekend.

2/365

2010-08-13T13:11:00.001-04:00

2/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Today has me thinking about music and its absence in my life.

1/365

2010-08-12T13:24:00.002-04:00

1/365, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

So, I've been thinking of doing the 365 Project for about a year, but it never seemed the right time to start. I've decided now is the time because my life has undergone some major work in the past few weeks.

As part of my new life I have quit my day job. I will still work in the nursery on 2 Sundays a month because I really enjoy the ladies I work with. But I am now a real stay at home mom. It is a relief and a little terrifying. There are many things I hope to accomplish, the main one being rest. I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. It is tempting to commit myself to all sorts of classes and Bible studies to fill the empty hours, but I know this only leads to more exhaustion. I will participate in a few things, otherwise I will be too isolated, but I am going to be very careful with my commitments. Committing to taking a photo a day is as big of a commitment as I want to make. I will try to also post them here.

Do not fear, I will not subject you to countless photos of myself. My goal is to take a photo that represents my day, or my thoughts, or of something I find beautiful. I hope to also write along with the photo, but I am not making any promises.

So why this photo for today? This is a project I am working on for the twins bedroom. We are in the process of redoing their bedroom, updating and putting in their big boy beds. But the walls are really blank. And my budget has been maxxed out. There is one poster I want to buy eventually, but for now, they get pictures made by me. I have been cutting and gluing this little guy all week. Working here and there. It is almost done. So, I thought a picture of a work in progress was appropriate, as I am viewing myself these days as a work in progress. Some days go really well, and reality matches my vision. Some days I get glue everywhere and have to extricate myself from the mess I've made. Some days I just sit back and contemplate on the work that has been done and wonder what it will all look like in the end.

Swing

2010-07-18T21:23:00.001-04:00

Swing, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

Reflections

2010-07-16T11:36:00.001-04:00

Reflections, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

I have a fear of
looking in mirrors
my reflection
is not a reflection of me
I have dreams
of my image
smiling back at me
where there is no smile
on my own face
a chance reflection
in a door
exposes my emptiness
No solid self to taunt
Just a ghost of my
past present future

Launching

2010-07-15T12:25:00.001-04:00

Launching, originally uploaded by Fiorinda.

The unknown beckons
In the morning light
When life seems clear
Full of possibilities
An endless horizon
To explore

I am no sailor
For I fear the stormy seas
Yet I will sail on
And one day
Walk on water

2010-03-19T08:24:00.003-04:00

and in the spring it rains

sometimes gently in the morning
bare-footed
I walk through the grass
stand under the trees that
Drip
Drip
tenderly like a kiss

sometimes it teases in the afternoon
bare-headed
I stand in the whipping wind
with perfect intention
Breathe
Breathe
deeply like a sigh

sometimes loudly in the twilight
bare-souled
I dance through my yard
to my own electric beat
Spin
Spin
swiftly like fire

sometimes quietly through the night
bare-hearted
I close my weary eyes
to dream of trees and green
Hush
Hush
softly like a lullaby

fire

2009-08-02T23:21:00.003-04:00

I have a song to sing, unique to myself. A way of worship, a way of joy. It is an everlasting fire, burning deep within my spirit. I've nearly doused it many times. But it persists and beckons and calls me to forego my silence. I can feel it burning. I can feel it burning. I want to fan the flame until it consumes me. Drowns me. Till I am reduced to ashes. And like a phoenix, arise from my death with a new song on my lips and a fire in my heart...and a love that cannot be quenched.

Storms

2009-08-02T00:58:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the pressure builds so slowly, you hardly sense the gathering clouds. You happen to glance up, seeing the sky begin to cave in on you. And sometimes you are caught out in the open, there is nowhere to hide. The sense of danger heightens as the air grows close. It gets hard to breathe, the air is so heavy with expectation.

Then, as you prepare for the worst, a breeze. Then a wind. Then you are standing in the gusting winds of change. Fear is replaced with exhilaration. You are still standing in the midst of the storm, but you can only see the beauty of it, and you don't mind if you get a little wet, because the joy of being alive in such a moment is enough.

Bad poetry

2009-05-31T22:24:00.002-04:00

the bottom of my soul
is a deep dark hole
Grimy slimy things
that don't like the light
slither grasping holding
my pain their delight

Like a flash of lightning
seen from afar
You wait
For me
And I run

2009-03-11T18:46:00.002-04:00

While reading Pioneer Woman's blog, I followed her link to a new company called Wild Olive Tees. I want one. I don't usually like Christian Tees. They are usually really cheesy. These are not. I think they are quite lovely. When they get the classic tee shape up and going I want to get the "rooted." one. I like trees. I also really like the "transform your mind" one. So, check them out.

Voices and Breakthrough

2009-03-03T20:43:00.001-05:00

In the past several years I have struggled to find my voice in my writing. I hear the voice in my head, distinctive, yet it never comes through on paper. Instead I get stilted words and meaningless phrases. And what could be a thing of beauty becomes a tangled wreck. I cannot tell you how many times I have begun rewriting my novel, struggling to find the right place and voice to start it. Each time I get closer to what feels right, yet I cannot find peace in it. So I put in on the shelf while I let the Lord lead me further into this dark night of mine. My secret hope being that I will find my voice and will put to paper the beauty I see in my head.

Today, I read a book by an author with a strong voice. An author I particularly like for the dreamy quality of her works. When I finish one of her books it is like waking from a lullaby. With the cadence of her writing dictating the flow of my thinking, I began to think of the naming of things and then of voices. And I was shown, with sudden clarity, my voicelessness. Not just in writing, but in my life. Since I was a child I have seldom spoken for myself. I have floated through life, unspeaking. Unwilling to put voice to my needs or wants. Yet needing and wanting nonetheless. Going with the flow while making silent protest by wearing gaudy socks. Assimilating myself with the nearest person, soaking up their personality to the detriment of my own. And in these friendless years of desert wandering I have forgotten all those who came before. And I am stripped bare of voice, of personality. Nothing remains but half remembered glimpses of people I used to be. Yet who am I? Embarrassed by my lack of self, I hide. Voiceless, I listen to other voices that tell me I am nothing, until I am nothing. A snail, hiding in my shell.

But there is a flame, that draws me, calls me. And I peek my head out from under my wing to see if I am straying from the path, and I correct my course. I stumble and fall again and again, until I must keep my head up or fall to the side. And still that voice draws me out from myself, from my hiding place. And I feel exposed, raw, and new. Still wandering, but with greater purpose. Watching, waiting, hoping to see my self along the way. Yet what little remains of me continues to be stripped away and I panic. Clinging blindly to the shreds of me that remain, only to cast them off when I see how ugly and futile they are. But He is faithful, even when I am not. I have asked for His judgment, and He has judged me. He has shown me that my silence is pride. And my pride is fear. And my fear is sin.

He is faithful to forgive me. He heals my wounds and gives me strength. And I begin to see that my voice should be His. Until I surrender the desire for my voice, He cannot give me His. Lord, take the voice I cannot find and replace it with one of Your making. Let it be an instrument of your love, a mouthpiece for your justice. Infuse it with the power of Your Spirit and Truth. Let it be holy and pure. A light for a dark world.

Vulnerability

2009-02-27T16:16:00.003-05:00

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Vulnerable is defined as
1)Susceptible to physical or emotional injury
2)Open to censure or criticism; assailable
3)Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation(thank you dictionary.com)

A friend and I had several discussions on vulnerability this past weekend, thus here are my meandering thoughts on the subject. What keeps us from being vulnerable and is it a bad thing to be "open to censure or criticism?"

I think when you are vulnerable with someone you are giving them a gift. In the lovely words of Karen Peris, you hold my heart and your fingers are shaking, don't drop it. You are trusting them with your heart. It is a scary thing to do. There are no guarantees that they won't drop it on the floor and step on it with contempt. And if this happens to us, once, twice, or multiple times, then we begin to fear and we withdraw our hearts from circulation. Then our fear turns to pride, and we say we don't need anyone.

Then sometimes we realize that this is an unpleasant way to live. We repent, open ourselves up until we get stepped on, then the cycle continues. Eventually our hearts are hardened to the point where we can no longer even accept love that is freely given, the love of Jesus. Thankfully, he cares too much for his sheep and will go after the one who is lost.

But what benefit is there to being vulnerable to others? I don't know if there is a benefit for others, but the benefit for us is that we are not sinning by being prideful, or living in fear. We are also run the risk of living a life of blame and unforgiveness. Also sin.

The last few years I have been contemplating I Corinthians 13(amplified).
4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

My desire is to love as He loves. To ooze love from my every pore. I have a long way to go. But, over the past year he has me standing for the part that says "it takes no account of the evil done to it[it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]." Every time I have suffered a wrong, he reminds me of this, and he offers me the choice to forgive and forget. Now it has become almost automatic. Sometimes I do find myself harboring anger, and it saddens me. That is not His best for me. But what has really surprised me, is how by forgiving, I am opening up my heart to be more vulnerable. Because I am choosing not to live in the pain of rejection, I need not fear rejection. Not that I succeed in this at all times, but often enough to change my life.

As much as it pains me to say it, I am not nearly as vulnerable as I would like to be. I still guard my heart in certain situations, but guarding my heart is different from closing it completely. I think we often think that being vulnerable means that we have to tell everybody everything about ourselves. We have to be completely open. I am not sure of this. Some things are best left between you and perhaps one or two others. It is the reason for non-disclosure that I think is important. Will it diminish someone in other people's eyes? Will it cause another brother to stumble. Or are you just embarrassed. If I am afraid of having people know things about me because it will be embarrassing, then maybe I need to think about it some more. Am I just being prideful?

When we are vulnerable we are able to ask for the help we need. Sometimes the Lord keeps us from seeking help because He is teaching us to seek Him first, but sometimes He sends us people to help us and hold us accountable.

Now He seems to be teaching me to live out the love is not self-seeking part. I will be vulnerable here and admit that I really stink at this. But my heart wants it enough to make me keep praying for the grace to live a self-less life. Being a mother requires a certain selflessness which I am often not very gracious about, but it is a selflessness that can't really be helped. What I am talking about is truly giving over every moment that we want to take for ourselves and giving it to others. It could be to your husband, wife, friend, children, the people at the old folks home, etc. It's not a fun thing to learn to do. I am selfish and I get tired when all I do is fulfill everyone else's needs, while my own are ignored. I am trying to look at my life with a heavenly perspective. It's pretty ugly looking down on myself. I have such a long way to go. What I must do is let go of the fear that my needs will not be met. This is a very real fear for me. But I have a Good Father, who not only loves to give good gifts to His children, but also promises that I will not suffer from want.-(matthew 6:25-34). well, my husband is home, so I am going to put my words into practice and leave what I want to do(keep blogging) to do what I should do and give him a big hug and give my family their dinner.

Midnight Thoughts

2008-06-05T01:15:00.003-04:00

(this post was written after another that has since been deleted that talked about teen angst)

I think I have moved a little beyond my teenage angst. I have found my creative outlets. I have learned to recognize when I am becoming overly melancholy and no longer allow myself to revel in it. I have also learned that my melancholy is not always in my head, but my body looking for something it is missing, like protein or water. I have learned to be content whether or not I have friends.

I wasn't exactly the lonely girl who wore black all the time, but I lived between three worlds. School, Music, and Church. I had my school friends and my church friends, and then I had my musical life(I played the flute). There was only one person from my school that I ever hung out with outside of school and that was only for a brief period. My church life was by far my greater reality. Music was somewhere in between. My closest school friends and my church friends didn't really relate to me as a musician. They knew I was in band and that I was good, but it didn't have any real meaning for them. But music was where I had my identity. It was what I was good at. I also wrote reams of bad poetry. I did not keep a journal other than my poetry and letters to my best friend that I would forget to mail. I was afraid to write down what I was actually feeling. I could not give voice to my needs or desires. Looking back, I think this is also the root of my inability to improvise musically. It would mean letting go. I knew I was a time-bomb of emotion. It was going to be messy when I finally exploded, and I didn't want that. I think that there was also a fear that if I did express myself I would be misunderstood. Like when I had to talk at the end of a retreat. You have to answer the question, "What does Jesus mean to you" in front of a bunch of strangers. I was crying out of sheer nerves, not knowing at the time that I pick up on the emotions of the people around me. Sit me in a room with a bunch of girls who have just had a hugely impactful weekend with the Lord, and I will cry. I could hear murmurs in the crowd approving how my feelings for the Lord had deepened as evidenced by my tears, but that wasn't true. I was crying because everyone else felt that way. Other times I have attended this weekend as a worker, I have to explain to people that I am really okay, I just cry because some one else is. Now I know to question my emotions at times, because they may not be my own.

Poor splitcat bore the brunt when I finally exploded. He told me once that one of the first things he noticed about me was my stoicism. Ha ha. So it was very confusing to him why after we started dating I cried all the time. I trusted him, and so I let my feelings out. I was a mess for quite some time. I had not learned how to deal with my emotions. In my first two years at college, music really became my life. And for the first time my closest friends knew me as a musician. I would like to be able to say that I handled the transition well. But the little bit of humility I had as a high schooler disappeared. Having three different lives had been more beneficial than I had realized. But by the end of my sophomore year, I defined myself as a musician, that was where I had placed the largest part of my identity. I was even more of a mess emotionally. I no longer knew how to contain myself. I had lost a large amount of self-control. So of course at this point I got married. :)

The summer before we got married I began to relearn how to keep my emotions in check(mostly I just denied I had any). It wasn't easy and I had to clean up the mess I had made. It wasn't until I had settled into married life that the impact of leaving my musical life hit me. The first year of our marriage I worked full-time and did not go to school. I had tried to find some musical outlets, but they didn't work out, and some of my musical shortcomings became very evident. So I left music totally behind. I was afraid to play in our apartment because I didn't want to make the neighbors mad and I did not feel like I could give lessons. Where I had once been arrogant because of my talent in playing, I suddenly felt that my shortcomings negated any abilities I had. So I struggled with losing my identity as a musician(and student) and gaining an identity as a wife. It hasn't been until the past few years that I have really begun to understand what the loss of my music meant to me. It was truly devastating, but I didn't know it at the time. I just knew that I couldn't listen to classical music anymore. I would hear songs I had played over the music systems in stores and have to shut it out so I wouldn't cry. It was like the world was mocking me. Now I can look back and see how the Lord was merciful to me to take me out like that. Pride does go before a fall. And falling is generally painful. I am thankful that He did not allow me to go on as I was. I am even more thankful that He is beginning to restore the musician part of me.

I went through a number of years where I began stuffing my emotions again. After seeing what a mess they made, I didn't really want anything to do with them. I just drifted through school and work. It was a lot harder to stuff my emotions this time, and I occasionally would explode, but I did my best. Then I had a baby. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. The last 7-8 years have been a confusing blur. Having babies has forced me to confront and deal with my emotions. It has been a really hard lesson to take in. I still haven't graduated, I don't know that I ever will, but I have learned alot about myself and my faith. God has been with me every step of the way. I don't know how people survive without Him. I am at a point now where I am standing on an overlook seeing the trail I have just ascended. It seemed fairly flat and uneventful at the time, but looking back I can see how different trails converged and I can see all the obstacles and how steep the path sometimes was. I can see how my suffering has been a training ground to prepare me for the even steeper and narrower path ahead. I am at a pause and reflect moment before I begin this next phase of my life. I am excited for whatever comes next. I have a map with some landmarks, but no trail marked on how to get to them, so I can't wait to see how the Lord gets me there. It is almost 4 am, so I should go to bed. Thanks for listening.

2007-12-10T15:09:00.000-05:00

Here is my tablecloth skirt. I used a Shabby Chic tablecloth from Target. It is a very light-weight and kinda see through cotton, so I have worn it with both a traditional slip and a cotton "petticoat" that peeks out beneath the hem(and I could undo the buttons to show the slip). This is definitely summer wear. I found it in one of my linen storage boxes. Right where it should be :).

I didn't realize that this didn't turn out till I'd loaded it, but if you look closely you can see the ruffled edge. There is also some eyelet lace. This is the true edge of the tablecloth. And yes, those are real buttonholes. I used to make faux plackets and sew the buttons straight on, or put snaps under them Then I got a new sewing machine that does buttonholes.
As soon as I put the skirt on my bed, Kitty thought it looked like a great place to nap. You can see the fabric better here.
With all this talk about skirts, I looked in my closet and discovered that I own 4 pairs of pants. One is jeans, one is a pair of mens dress slacks, one I only wear around the house, and the last is acutally knickers(I love knickers). I was a little shocked. I think I thought I wore pants more because I usually wear men's flannel pj bottoms around the house(with a shirt of course).

2007-12-07T14:24:00.000-05:00

Here's my skirts, finally.

I finished my new pattern in about a day. I did an excellent job, I think. My mother always says the inside should look as good as the outside, and I just about got it. I had never done an invisible zipper before, so my back seam looks a little wonky. You can see how the back hem dips down. I'm not sure if I like this, so I may whack it off and re-hem.

Front

Back

Here's my loud skirt. It's from a Vogue pattern. I opted to not make the waistband and just made a casing and threaded it with a ribbon drawstring. I like skirts that have a little give :). What I really love about this skirt is that 1) it has deep pockets on the front seams 2) the hem brushes the tops of my feet 3) it was really easy to make. My mother made one for herself out of fabric that was pink with white polka dots. It looked totally different from mine, but really cute. I like versatility. This length was the "Evening" length, so it would be pretty in more formal fabrics, too.

The UGLY skirt.

See, I told you it was ugly. What, you may be asking yourself, did she wear with this? Usually an offwhite sweater and tights and either my tall brown boots or my brown pilgrim shoes(the kind that have a wide strap and buckle).

I lined it with another sheet.

Oddly enough, we had these leaf sheets when I was little.

I had been looking for some cheap alternative fabrics, and sheets are perfect. I purchased these at goodwill. I also keep an eye out for tableclothes and shower curtains and regular curtains on clearance or at the thrift store. If you like the idea of repurposing items check out Craftster(edit: there are questionable avatars and language here). I got a lot of inspiration there.

So there are some of my skirts.

Skirts

2007-11-29T21:52:00.001-05:00

I found a great skirt pattern tonight. I went to hancock's while the girl was at dance. Here it is. I'll have to make it to see if it looks decent on me, but I love the pleated back. The shirt is actually made from a sweatshirt that is remade and embellished. It's a little foofy for me, but cute. The good thing is that it calls for less than 2 yards of fabric, so I can splurge a little and buy good fabric from the quilting store. My favorite skirt I've made, I haven't made more of because it uses over 4 yds. I got lucky and got some beautiful batik on sale, but it still cost about $25. But I've about worn it out. If I remember I'll take a picture of it and add it here. I call it my loud skirt. I'll have to find my ugly skirt and take a picture, too. Yes, I deliberately made an ugly skirt, and wore it proudly when it still fit. I made it from two sheets I found at goodwill from the 70's. I love skirts. I have one in the works that is a noah's ark graphic from the 70's-80's. I was trying to embellish it, but I may give up and just finish it. I also find a lot of satisfaction in repurposing household items into skirts. I have a skirt made from a tablecloth and one from a shower curtain--both were from the Shabby Chic Line at Target. The fabric was just so pretty. I also made the girl an outfit out of the shower curtain. I'll try to remember to put up pictures, because my ugly skirt is truly a wonder to behold.

Foolishness

2007-11-16T08:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when the Lord is dealing with a particular issue in our life, and really opens our eyes to see, we feel really foolish/stupid/dumb/embarrassed that we allowed ourselves to let that issue go unchecked in our life.

It would be so easy to allow those feelings to trap us in a cycle of despair, wailing "woe is me." The hard part I have found is not in facing/seeing the issue--it's letting it go peacefully.

Because the Lord doesn't show us these things to make us feel bad about ourselves, but because He wants to bring us peace. He wants to draw us closer to Him. Which is incredibly humbling.

I wonder why I hold onto some things as if my life depended on it, when my life really depends on letting it go. In some cases I know why. It is because it is the last pieces of me that I don't share with anyone else. I know it is finally time to let those pieces go, but it feels as though my heart is being ripped out. Which is really a good thing, because every piece that the Lord removes, He replaces with more of Him.

Christ Is My Hope

You can say the word.
Unworthy though I am,
o bread of life,
o bread of life,
I will be healed and come.

Hold me in your arms,
bridegroom of my soul,
o bread of life,
o bread of life,
I will be healed and come.

Christ, Christ is my hope.
Christ, Christ is my light.
Christ, Christ is my hope.
Christ, Christ is my light,
o my light.

I have been afraid
but I’m on the way to this table.
O bread of life,
o bread of life,
I will be healed and come.-

--Karen Peris
the innocence mission
from the album Christ is My Hope

2007-11-01T10:39:00.000-04:00

This morning in the car on the way to take the girl to school I heard one of my favorite songs to sing along to in the car. What's Up by 4 Non Blondes. This is one of those songs that just hits me on many levels. (Disclaimer: I don't have any idea what this song is really about, and I don't really know much about the band, so this is just me relating to the lyrics).

Here are the lyrics

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step
Outside I take a deep breath
I get real high
Then I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on

And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on

And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution

So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in my bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
I take a deep breath then I get real high
Then I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on

And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
**********
Firstly, It's really fun to sing along. I think the girl was quite amused by her mother belting out a song. Secondly, it pretty much sums up how I feel most of the time. I love the lines:

So I wake in the morning and I step
Outside I take a deep breath
I get real high

Because Fresh air is my drug of choice :). And at the same time I experience the thrill of breathing in the world, I'm still screaming inside "What's going on?" Why is the world such a mess, why is my house such a mess, Why am I such a mess?

Fortunately, I do know the answers to those questions. And even more fortunately I am friends with the author of Hope. I always see the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how desparate I have felt, how miserable, how alone, I know that I have a Hand to help me out of the pit I have dug for myself.

So anyway, I found as I was leaving the school and singing the end of the song, that letting myself go and singing as loud and obnoxiously as I could, felt really good. Freeing even. I found myself giggling and ready to take on the day.

Sometimes I suspect that in some regards I am very repressed. The question is, why do I hide? Is it fear? Is it just the way God made me? Is it pride? Or did I read too many victorian novels as a teenager? I think it may be an issue of control(which is I think a relative of fear).

I seem to be drawing some harsh conclusions about myself.

So as a friendly warning: the next time you pray or sing "Create in me a clean heart" be prepared.

Actually, now that I just said that I must share a little further. On tuesday at bible study when worship began I just sat back and closed my eyes(the lady sings too high for me). And I heard a little girl laugh. The kind 2 and 3 yr olds make when you tickle them or chase them. And I knew it came somewhere from within me. I listened to the laughter and had a picture of a little girl playing with Jesus, I think perhaps he was chasing her(I don't think I need to spell that out any further). And then I heard a gentle voice ask if I was ready to let go. I have been doing alot of sorting in my head the past few weeks-dredging up memories best left alone, memories of anger, memories of hurt. And while I know that dwelling on the past is dangerous, sometimes it is hard to let go of our pain. We think that our pain is what formed us and made us-and to put away those memories is to forget how we became ourselves. But I knew that these memories needed to go to their final resting place. They were only tearing me down (just ask my dh what kind of mood I've been in lately). So when I heard the Lord ask me this, I knew it was time. I spent a few minutes in prayer and what I saw next startled and surprised me. First I saw my heart, but it was really large. Then I saw bubbles on it, then I saw the Lord with a brush, scrubbing my heart. It was getting all foamy. I was reminded of the kind of foam toothpaste makes(and I just had the thought of how toothpaste is an abrasive, and how this whole cleansing process has abraded me-but is leaving me a lot cleaner). I could see that while from a distance my heart looked fine, he was concentrating on the little bits that were stuck in the wrinkles and crevices. Like if you have ever polished a silver candlestick or spoon. The big parts wipe up easy, but there is always some sort of engraving or decoration that stays black until you use just the right brush to reach it. And I was reminded of how sometimes when I am cleaning I can start obsessing about one small thing and work at it for an hour. Like when I tried to do the fly-lady step one and got really obsessed with the minutest spots on my sink. And I knew the Lord was just as obsessed with cleaning those stubborn black spots on my heart as I was with shining my kitchen sink. He's not going to quit until it is cleaned to his satisfaction.

And while part of me inwardly groans and says aren't we done yet? The rest of me is cheering Him on.

Conflict-Part One

2007-10-29T12:39:00.000-04:00

Well, here is the much awaited non-frivolous post you have all been waiting for.

My struggles with conflict began simply. I needed more conflict in my novel. There was the larger external conflict that was the basis of the story, but there was almost no internal conflict or conflict between characters. So after some conversations with Val, I decided to first look at how I approach conflict in my own life. The answer, while not terribly surprising, was a little scary. I don't conflict. Conflict sends me into a dizzying spiral of doubt and confusion. It makes my stomach hurt. It makes me want to lay in bed in the fetal position in the dark. It makes cry. So I realized there was a much bigger issue involved than adding conflict to my novel. I was really confronted by my conflict inadequacies when we all piled into the car one day and the girl was in major conflict mode. I looked at splitcat and said, aren't you glad I'm not a drama queen? He looked right back at me and said something to the effect of that he wished I was sometimes because at least then he would know why I was mad and who I was mad at.
That was my second wake-up call. I had apparently taken passivity and conflict avoidance to a new level when my husband wants me to be a drama queen.

My third wake-up call came one day one I was reading a forum. A debate had sprung up, and I had skipped ahead and came across a response that totally shook me. The topic between the writer and one other participant was that silence does not equate unity. I don't have her permission to write out the whole thing, but I will hit the highlights that stuck with me.

1. "Silent treatment" is a form of manipulation
2. Running from conflict is in essence a form of the silent treatment
3. Silence does not promote unity within a family(she describes unity as coming together, being made one) but by discussing or hashing out a problem we know we are seeing only part of the picture(our thoughts and opinions) and know that our thoughts may need adjusting or may even be wrong. And meeting together and putting our thoughts and opinions "out there" helps us make that decision and will ultimately bring us closer as we begin to understand one another even if we do not agree. Even when we agree to disagree "the agreement being walked in is one of coming together with the understanding we are learning and growing, subject to change."

Part of what has contributed to my avoidance of conflict is that I tend to think that conflict arises out of anger.
I long ago took to heart the scripture that says not to let the sun go down on your anger, (Ephesians 4:26). But I recently saw what it says in the beginning of that verse. In your anger, do not sin. Which comes from Psalm 4:4--In your anger do not sin;/when you are on your beds,/search your hearts and be silent.Selah. So then is it okay to be angry? As long as you don't hold onto it and allow the devil a foothold? I think that anger is simply a part of our human nature. It is simply how we choose to deal with that anger that says what kind of person we are. I just looked up anger on bible.com, there were 10 pages of entries from the Old Testament and one from the New. Here are some of them:

Romans 2:8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.
1 Corinthians 13:5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
2 Corinthians 12:20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin" [ Psalm 4:4] : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Colossians 3:8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
1 Timothy 2:8 I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

So in equating anger with conflict, I have simply made the choice to let go rather than defend myself. Some of my readers may be familiar with the Litany Against Fear. I guess I took the idea and made my own Litany Against Anger. I would simply take a deep breath and feel the anger roll off until I could look rationally at whatever the issue was. I discovered that I was usually wrong, or perhaps, I perceived that I was usually in the wrong because my responses were based on emotion rather than logic or rational thought. And while I started out with good intentions, I eventually conditioned myself to vilify my emotions. And this is a terribly slippery slope, eventually leading to me simply not liking myself--because I am a highly emotional person and I had been convinced that emotions were wrong. I have spent so much energy controlling my inner reality, that I lost control of my visible reality. I may get to the end of the day and be completely exhausted from wrestling with myself, but it appears as if I have spent my day in idleness.

So I began avoiding conflict because it drains me.

So thus ends Conflict-Part One.

On a side note--if you like medieval fashion-Karenee left some great links in the comments of my last post.

2007-10-26T09:41:00.000-04:00

This is for Karenee who apparently shares my fondness for unusual shoes

Look HERE for the coolest boots ever(scroll down to the 1910 high boots). If I ever have a spare $700 or so lying around, maybe I'll get them. I meant to include them in my last post but I forgot.

Since I am already being frivolous, Here is a question for you. Why do you wear clothes(other than the obvious). Are your clothes an armor against the world? Do you just wear whatever mostly fits and don't care what it looks like? Do you strive to look like everyone else? Does your style change with the years or are you drawn to the clothes that were popular in your youth? Are your clothes a mask?

I look at clothes as costumes to fit my mood. But I do know how to dress appropriately when the occasion calls for appropriate clothing.

When I was a little girl my dream was to own a "Gunne Sax" dress. I got my first one when I was sixteen. Eventually Jessica McClintock stoppped making the Gunne Sax line, but continued under her name. I have worn a Jessica or Scott McCclintock dress for all the big moments in my life. There was the dress for my sister's rehearsal dinner, the evening gown I wore in the Miss Reflections pageant(yes, I was in a pageant--I was the band representative, the girl they really wanted had already been chosen by the chorus), My favorite dress I wore to the Sophomore dinner, then I wore my 2nd favorite for my sophomore recital. And of course my Wedding dress was a Jessica McClintock, as were my bridesmaids dresses. Alas, Jessica's style no longer mirrors my own. But I try to convince myself to lose weight by promising myself a vintage gunne sax from ebay(these are the neo-edwardian and peasant/medieval dresses from the '70's).

My second favorite clothing line was Laura Ashley. What more dso I need to say. Style, grace, sophistication. That was Laura Ashley to me. Alas, they closed all their stores in the US.

In my mid twenties I was introduced to April Cornell. Very similar to Laura Ashley. Alas, those stores also closed. Ooh, but I just discovered they have reopened their website! What you don't realize is that I just called my mom with this exciting news and we spent a while shopping together over the phone. We share similar tastes.

So my writing time is over. The babies are awake and it's time for lunch. I guess my thoughts on clothes as costumes will have to wait. (I bet you'll be counting the minutes until my next post :))

peace and rowboats

Debbie

2007-10-23T09:24:00.000-04:00

Well, I see a few people have made their way here. (Waves at Karenee). It's been one of those foggy weeks, so I don't have too much to say. I'm skipping bible study this morning. I have not been feeling well. I've been having low grade fevers again. I went to bed at 8 sunday night and slept until 6:30am. Then took a 2 hr nap in the afternoon. I was sitting on the couch writing, and the next thing I know thirty minutes have passed and I have a crick in my neck. So I went to bed since the twins were napping. I only got up because I had to go to the bus stop. Finally around dinner time I thought to take my temp. What's annoying is that it isn't really high enough to be a real fever, but just enough to make me miserable. I usually have a low body temp, so anything over 98.6 makes me miserable, moody, and gloomy. I took some ibuprofen and it helped a little. I probably need to take some more this morning. I'm feeling excessively tired and foggy.

I had a really bad day on Friday. Thursday night splitcat informed me that he needed me to stay for the homecoming dance on Saturday to help out. I had only been planning to help out before hand then go home. I am currently wardrobe challenged since I gained some weight after the twins were born. I knew I didn't need to dress up, but I did want to look nice since I hadn't met anyone at his school yet. So I looked at 2 malls and found absolutely nothing that fit. Plus at the 2nd mall the children were a little hyper. It is extremely frustrating to try on clothes and have nothing fit, even something as simple as a shirt even though it is in your size. Apparently designers think that all women have a size 2 waist with a 36DD chest and toothpicks for arms and legs. Looking back, I probably had a fever and didn't know it which only contributed to my feeling like crap. So on Saturday I took the kids to walmart and found a shirt that might match one of my skirts for $13.82. And lo and behold, it fit. So I managed to look halfway decent.

The dance went well. But left me even more tired than I already was since I was in charge of keeping the ice and punch filled and watching the food to refill it if needed. I ran around alot. I saw way more teenage cleavage than I ever wanted to. I really wondered how these girls mothers let them out of the house. My mother wouldn't have. The guys all looked nice in their suits. I only saw one dress that was longer than knee length, most were mid thigh. I think I was in college before I wore anything that short. Actually, here's me in the shortest skirt I've ever worn.

This was winter 95-my sophomore year. And the smallest I've ever been. I was so excited because I fit in my roommates skirt, which was a size 6 or 8. It wasn't quite so short on her. This is one of my favorite college memories. We were on our way to a "coffee house" in the cafeteria. I think I was going for the "beatnik" look since it was a coffee house. I drank way to much coffee. My roommate went to bed and I wandered around campus with our friend Scott. He was in love with my roommate. Since it was after 11 we actually had to sneak around campus. Which made it more fun. I remember walking under the naked trees on the front lawn and looking up into the branches which were eerily lit and pretending I was trapped in Tolkien's forest(the one with the spiders(I can't remember the name)). I was pretty high on caffeine. Scott was a cool guy, we had a lot of fun talking about totally random things. I think he was probably hanging out with me because he wanted to know if my roommate liked him(she didn't know-they never did get together). I used to be fun to be around. Especially when I'd had too much caffeine. I would talk about really odd and goofy subjects. I think that is part of me I am trying to find again. The fun me. The me that likes to wear my pink and black converse high tops with striped knee-hi socks in green, orange, yellow and purple. Okay, so that's what I wore to the mall on Friday with a denim skirt and orange shirt. So I haven't totally lost my goofy side. It tends to come out in my clothing choices. These are the shoes I want now. And these. And these. And these. Not your traditional footwear choices for a mother of four. But I really love boots that lace up. I have this weird thing though, where I don't like lace up boots to have zippers. which is why i really like that last pair of boots. So now that I'm treading totally shallow water, and my coffee seems to have kicked in, I need to get some house work done. Even though I'd rather look at shoes.

Tune in next time when I might be discussing Conflict.

2007-10-18T11:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I meant to use this blog. I forget it is here. But since it still gets hits, I guess I'll post.

What is Debbie's World? It is the world in my head. I live there most of the time. What does it look like in my head? There are lots of trees and grassy areas where I can sit on a blanket. There are also swings where I can relax and read a book. The weather is frequently, but not always, beautiful and is usually like an early fall day. It's just cold enough to need a light sweater. There is always a playful wind. Every evening the fireflies dance in and under the trees and the smell of honeysuckle wafts gently across the land. Sometimes there are thunderstorms that make the trees shed the leaves they have held onto for too long. When it rains I retreat to the front porch swing and watch the clouds rolling and the lightning flash. In the past few years there has been a lot of fog. I cannot always see my way to my favorite places because they have been hidden from me. And I stumble around in confusion looking for my remembered places of safety. Sometimes when the fog lifts I find that the landscape has been transformed. And I have to find new places. The transformation always makes my world a better place, but there is still the pain that always comes with change.

Sometimes danger lurks like a cat. Hidden in the grass, waiting to pounce the moment it senses weakness. Usually in the midst of those tranforming fogs, when I know change is going on, it strikes at me with it's harshest weapons--my memories. I remember the way things were and rail against the changes I sense being made. But I have learned that dwelling on the past only delays the transformation and keeps me from finding the peace that once prevailed in my world. But there is always hope in my world and the danger is not the killing kind.

So if my world sounds like a place you are interested in visiting, please stop by from time to time.

An Aside: The idea of Debbie's World started when I was in High school. In art class when we had free time to paint or draw I started drawing pictures of trees and random things and titled them "A _______ in Debbie's World." I seem to recall a penguin living there at one time. Then on my 18th birthday, splitcat, who was at the time my best friend(now my husband) drew me a card titled "Lost on the Plains of Seibbed Dlrow" where he borrowed my tree imagery and added his favorite stick figure carrying a bouquet of flowers and wearing a top hat. It gave me hope that Debbie's World would one day have an inhabitant other than myself. We started going out not long thereafter. Over the years I have had a few other visitors, and now it's your turn.

Beginning Again

2006-02-27T11:13:00.000-05:00

I thought it would be nice to begin this blog again, as a place to put my thoughts on subjects other than my children.